


(you're so precious when you) smile

by ryuchaengs



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: 2na, Angst, Depression, F/F, Implied mental illness, but it's not that bad, emotionally abusive chaeyoung, michaeng, mina is not mina, nayeon is a bartender, sana is serious sana, sana is the reliable whipped best friend, sanayeon, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 18:37:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13595976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryuchaengs/pseuds/ryuchaengs
Summary: Mina's smiles mean the world to Sana.





	(you're so precious when you) smile

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: if you deal with depression or suicidal tendencies, this is not a story for you. i'll admit, i have struggled with both, but i am ready to confront it. if you are not, please don't read this story.  
> also, it's bad. i wrote it late at night and i was in my feels because i listened to mine by bazzi for so long that it sounded angsty.  
> also available on aff under the same title.

Mina's gone again.  
  
Sana just came home from work, only three minutes ago. She stepped into the apartment, expecting to find Mina either slouched on the sofa, knitting, or holed up in her room, typing away on her laptop. Obviously, she's not doing either of those things, and it reminds Sana of that one day, on a cold February night just like this one, four years ago. She hopes to god it's not. (Chances are, it is.)  
  
She sets her bag down on the floor, beside the coffee table. Mina's phone is there. Wherever she went, she went without taking her phone. Sana feels a brief surge of anger; Mina knows to take her phone everywhere, so Sana can contact her. But then again, it's brief, and Sana feels fine again. She feels worried. She's supposed to protect Mina. Not let her run around god knows where.  
  
She grabs her keys, her own phone, and Mina's phone, and leaves the apartment, securely locking the door. Sana's always been paranoid like this. The doctors said she was okay, but she doesn't think so. She's always been so cautious, so careful. Maybe that's why she balances Mina out. Mina is thoughtless, careless. She would throw her life away in an instant; she's that kind of person. That's how she's grown to be, at least; she was never like this before. But she's the darkness, and Sana...well, Sana likes to consider herself the light, even though she knows she's the additional darkness. (They were both the light before.)  
  
Sana slams the car door shut as she climbs into her car, gunning the engine and recklessly pulling out of the parking lot, just barely skimming another car. She hisses under her breath, reminding herself to be careful. But since when has she ever been careful around Mina? She tells herself she always has, but she knows that's a lie. She's never careful around Mina. She's an open book for Mina to read, and Mina is the same for her. That's why she's driving towards the local bar with such certainty.  
  
She storms into the bar, startling the customers sitting close to the door. Her paranoia hasn't kicked in yet, surprisingly. It won't, not until she finds Mina. Her eyes wander all around the room, until they land on a certain young woman with ruffled brown hair wearing a leather jacket, shoulders visibly shaking. Her hands are gripping what must be her tenth drink.  
  
"Miss, do you know her?" The bartender has slunk out from behind the bar counter and is standing in front of Sana. She's cute; with long black hair and bangs sweeping above her eyes. Sana can see her bunny teeth. It must make her smiles adorable. "She's been here for an hour, give or take. Our customer policy doesn't allow us to kick out customers until they're completely wasted, and she's not, but I'm really worried. She's emotional and drunk, and that's a bad mix."  
  
"Y-yes, I know her." That's the most Sana can manage before pushing past the bartender and approaching Mina. "Mina. Mina, what are you doing here?" Wrong question. "I mean, are you okay?"  
  
Mina turns her face towards Sana. Her face is streaked with tears, and her eyes are bloodshot. Her mouth is turned up in a small yet miserable, shaking pout. "Sana...I want to die."  
  
Sana doesn't think twice before ushering Mina out the door. She does give a thankful smile to the bartender, whose name, if Sana reads it correctly, is Nayeon. She knows her smile is wavering, though, and who can blame her? For the same certainty with which she had driven here, she just heard in Mina's soft, soft voice, as she declared her intent.  
  
Sana won't let that happen. She, personally, thinks that she solely exists to protect Mina, because before Mina and without Mina, she never had and has a purpose. Sana is here to serve as the wall in front of Mina. The shield. And that's what she'll do, if it means protecting Mina from her own self.  
  
She fumbles with her keys and takes longer than usual to open the apartment door. Her hands are shaking badly. Yet this is not the paranoia. No, this is something else, Sana is sure of it. She successfully opens the door and pushes Mina into their home, slamming the door behind her. With a quick glance into the kitchen to check if the alcohol is under lock and key, she wordlessly drags Mina with her to her bedroom, and tucks her into bed with herself. She cradles Mina's shivering, sobbing body, ignoring the stink of alcohol and sweat and smoke and utter sadness.  
  
"I don't want to be alive anymore," Mina whispers, in between rattling intakes of breath. "If I had known life would be this bad, I would've killed myself years ago."  
  
"Life is absolutely beautiful and you are so lucky to have one," Sana whispers back, tightening her grip on Mina, who has started to shiver more violently. "You're okay, Mina. You're okay."  
  
"I'm not, I'm not okay, I'm never okay and I never will be okay." Mina is practically vibrating. Sana wonders what has caused Mina to act this way, and she gets her answer only a second later. "Three years of dating, Sana. And then our wedding cancelled."  
  
Sana gives Mina time to calm down. Mina calms down, and continues, her voice and body still shaking, but not as much as before. "Chaeyoung is such a bastard, you know? I thought she really loved me, and just when we were going to get married, she says she's not...what was it? Oh, right. 'Not down for commitment.' And then I try to find her, and turns out she... she went abroad. To escape from me. That's how much I meant to her, how much I mean to her. The funny thing is?" She meets Sana's eyes, and what Sana sees in Mina's expression is truly heartbreaking. "I love her so much. I love her and I can't move on from her, and I'll never move on. Everything reminds me of her. I see her smile in everyone. She haunts me, Sana, she _haunts me_!"  
  
Thirty minutes pass. Mina is sound asleep in Sana's arms. Sana stares down at her. She thinks about how she'll never see Mina be happy, not for a while. Chaeyoung implanted her own smile in Mina's mind and took away Mina's smile. Sana wonders if Mina will ever give away her smile, ever again. Or perhaps there is no smile left, because Chaeyoung took it all away. Every single trace of it.  
  
Love is something Mina needs now, and Sana's been craving to give it for ten years. Sana's love is not what Mina needs. Sana's love is what will destroy Mina. But, surprisingly, Sana has always been giving Mina her own love. Mina may have not been aware of it, but every minute Sana stood beside her, she was receiving endless packages of Sana's love. She took it, she stored it away.  
  
Will she ever realize?  
  
Sana's paranoia is still not kicking in. She feels strangely calm. She feels at peace. She gets out of the bed (carefully as to not disturb Mina, who is now sleeping deeply), and walks to the bathroom. She looks in the medicine cabinet, and takes out the bottle of sleeping pills she knew Mina was keeping but pretended not to know. She stares at them. She remembers one night, when Mina and her had just bought this apartment room. They were lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. Sana had looked over at Mina, and had said in a state of delirious euphoria, "I'm so fucking happy you're alive." Mina had giggled, and shyly replied, "I'm so happy you're alive, too." The words had felt so genuine and bubbly on Sana's tongue. By looking at Mina, she knew they had felt the same to her.  
  
Sana looks at the bottle of sleeping pills again. She knows. She knows.  _She knows._  
  
She puts the bottle away, and goes back to bed. Mina's body is warm against hers. It's comforting. Sana falls asleep almost immediately.  
  
The next day, Sana comes home, and Mina's knitting.  
  
The next day, Sana comes home, and Mina's typing away on that laptop of hers.  
  
The next day, Sana comes home, and Mina is fishing around for the alcohol. (Sana scolds her.)  
  
The next day, Sana comes home, and Mina's body is lying, motionless, in her bed, the bottle lying next to her hand, empty.  
  
Sana looks down at Mina. There's a serene smile on Mina's lips. Her eyes are closed, peacefully, as if all she's done is slipped into sleep.  
  
Sana leans down, tracing the shape of that smile with her fingers. "You're so fucking precious when you smile," she whispers. She doesn't cry.  
  
Sana visits Mina's grave one day. She places a basket of flower petals in front of the tombstone. Flower petals are what Mina would request for, when they used to make flower crowns together. Sana still has hers. She also has Mina's.  
  
Looking down at the grave, Sana comes to the conclusion that she succeeded at being Mina's protector. She succeeded. Failure would mean never seeing Mina smile. Mina smiled. Sana succeeded. It doesn't bring a smile to her own face. Nothing except Nayeon has. They're girlfriends now. Nayeon is also the only reason why Sana smiles.  
  
Once upon a time, Sana smiled all the time. Once upon a time, Sana was the most cheerful being on earth.  
  
Once upon a time, Minatozaki Sana met Myoui Mina, and everything became even more beautiful for her.  
  
Once upon a time, Mina was the main reason Sana smiled. Mina was hers. _"You're mine, Mina, and that makes me so happy." "I'm also happy you're mine, Sana."_  
  
Once upon a time, Myoui Mina died, but not without smiling, and it sucked the very life out of Minatozaki Sana.  
  
Sana kneels at Mina's grave. She wishes she was able to tell Mina how beautiful her smiles were more often.  
  
Sana knows Nayeon notices how Sana is constantly knitting an already started, half-finished red sweater. Sana knows Nayeon gets bothered sometimes by the typing Sana does on her already-used laptop. Sana also knows Nayeon is pretending to not know about the once-empty bottle of sleeping pills in the bathroom.  
  
 _"I'm also happy you're alive, too."_  
  
Sana knows a lot of things, and she knows that she will see Mina smile yet again. She will see Mina grin widely, with her gums showing and her eyes crinkling. She will see Mina laugh in pure happiness.  
  
The bottle of sleeping pills enter Sana's thoughts again. She lets them linger for a few seconds, maybe a minute. She pushes them out.  
  
Right now, Sana is certain -- just as she was certain that day that Mina was in the bar -- she will not see Mina's smile anytime soon. But she will one day, just like how one day she met Mina, and the whole world brightened up. It will happen. Sana knows.  
  
She stands up, giving the tombstone a stroke before turning away and leaving. For now, she will live for Nayeon. There is someone else who smiles solely because of her, and she smiles because of them. She will smile for Nayeon, and let her smile be Nayeon's everything, just as Nayeon's smile is her everything. (It's every bit adorable as Sana thought it would be. She knows.)  
  
She will smile for Nayeon, and let her smile be Nayeon's everything, just as Mina's smile was her everything.  
  
And when she sees Mina again, she will muster the biggest smile she can, and finally tell Mina how absolutely beautiful her smiles were. How much they meant to Sana.  
  
For now, she's just going to live. For Nayeon. For Mina. For herself.  
  
 _"I'm also happy you're alive, too._  
  
 _"I don't know what I'd do without you, Sana. If you didn't exist, I would be lost. I'm glad you're alive, and I want you to stay alive."_  
  
Sana's just living by Mina's words, after all.  
  
 _"Besides, your smile lights up the whole world. Did I ever tell you how beautiful you look when you smile?"_  
  
Sana pauses. She looks back at Mina's grave. The flower petals have blown out of the basket and are scattered across the tombstone.  
  
Sana smiles.  
  
Then she turns and enters her car. She drives away. She knows Mina is smiling right now, as widely as Sana imagined her to be.  
  
And Sana knows everything.


End file.
